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Steps towards Hope

Hopelessness

Is this real…

The night Amyia passed away, I sat in my bed. I was afraid to go to sleep and so many thoughts and questions infested my mind. I thought, “This cannot be real”, ” Why”?Is this nightmare”?  I watched as the light from the sun began to illuminate my bedroom. It all became real, as soon as I received the first phone call,  hearing the words, “I’m so sorry” from the receiving end of the phone call, sent me into sorrow….

It was the week before Christmas, and as other families where planning their family gatherings and finishing their last minute Christmas shopping, our family was planning Amyia’s funeral. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I went into a deep depression, the shock from her death put my entire life into question. The pain and suffering was indescribable, all I could relate it to was a scar, one which was deeply wounded, bruised and blistered. 

 After Amyia’s funeral, I  had to face the harsh reality of creating a new normal. I would no longer hear her voice, hold her, hug her or kiss her.  The toughest moment was when I mistakenly called her for dinner, only to be instantly reminded that wasn’t coming to dinner ever again. I sank into a deep sorrowful cry, and my heart became heavy. 

I had so many thoughts that plagued my mind, “It’s not going to get any better”, you cry every day; you’re  surviving minute by minute, do you really think your pain will go away”?

Then, most unimaginable thought , “If God really loved you, why would He do this to you”

That was the thought that sent me into my darkest place because, I actually believed it and submitted to it. I believed that God was punishing me and that He no longer loved me, that was the moment where I considered taking my own life. But God….

Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect me. You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever. Psalm 23:4 NLT

The idea that God no longer loved me was a lie. The idea that I was alone was a lie. His word speaks the opposite of what I was feeling at that moment. 

My heart would not allow me to believe the lies. I recall crying out in prayer to Jesus, “I know you are with me, and I need your help now”. Instantly, I thought of my son Christian who was seventeen months old. He was too young to understand what happened to his older sister but Amyia loved her little brother and she expressed it through her words and affections towards him. Christian needed his mother, and he needed his mother to heal and not give up. Jesus reminded me that there was still a purpose and a plan for my life and I had to go through the grieving process one step at a time.

Excited and Hopeful

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23 NIV

When I began to understand that God was not punishing me and that He wasn’t mad at me. I began my journey  towards healing; in all honesty it was the journey of the unknown, I did not know what it would look like, there was no blueprint, or road map, it was all dependent on my faith. I could no no longer allow my human knowledge to take precedent over the word of God. I gradually came out of isolation and trusted those who were in place to help me. I became more involved in church, I reached out to a grief counselor and began regular sessions. As difficult as the journey was day by day I took a step towards hope.  

In days where I spent time crying my soul began to heal, in the days where I would spend my lunch hour talking with my grief counselor about my new normal, I began to heal. My emotional scars, which left me hopeless, were beginning to heal and the calamity and adversity produced resilience; I could now continue to run my race. 

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are,yet without sin. Let us  then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace , that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4: 15-16 ESV


We have a high priest who understands our pain and suffering. Jesus understood what it felt like to grieve the loss of someone He loved. I feel gratitude understanding that I am not alone. 

It has now been six years since Amyia’s passing  and yesterday on her anniversary our family commemorated Amyia and we brought Honor and Glory to God. We decided to choose Joy. 

Facing adversity and calamity brought me closer to God as I continue to run my race set out before me by God. He still has a purpose and plan for my life and I have a responsibility and devotion to share my testimony.

Prayer

Father, I pray that by sharing my story each reader will being to seek help through their most recent loss of a loved one. Father, let them call on Your name to help them through the grieving process. Help them face this adversity with Your help one day at a time. In Jesus name, Amen.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.  Proverbs 3:5 NLT

 This hope {this confident assurance} we have an anchor of the soul {it cannot slip and it cannot break down under whatever pressure bears upon it}-a safe and steadfast hope that enters within the veil {of the heavenly temple, that most Holy Place in which the very presence of God dwells} Hebrews 6:19 AMP

 Constantly rejoicing in hope {because of our confidence in Christ}, steadfast and patient in distress, devoted to prayer{continually seeking wisdom, guidance and strength,} contributing to the needs of Gods people pursuing {the practice of hospitality} Romans 12:12 AMP

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