When there is an interruption in your life in which things will never be the same again.
After the loss of Amyia I found myself struggling in my grief. I realized very quickly that what once was would never be again. This is a very difficult concept to grasp while grieving; I was experiencing the loss, sadness and anger of losing my child and now I was “forced” to accept that my life would never be the same again. The plans and routines for our lives were now nonexistent. Everything in my life had changed and I was forced to change along with it.
Waking up Amyia to get ready for school was gone, waiting for her phone call to let me know she had made it home from school was gone and Amyia saying good night–it had all ended.
I was angry with God, and I had so many questions: why would you do this? What did I do? Why not me?
Day in and day out these thoughts plagued my mind so much that it was difficult comprehending that “what once was will never be again.” Amyia was gone.
The Journey towards the New Normal
My life was no longer normal. Every day following Amyia’s death got worse, I was afraid of being alone, I was crying every hour on the hour. Every song that played on the radio reminded me of her and her room…it was empty. I felt so hopeless, I couldn’t see how things would get better. I replayed the night I lost her over and over again in my mind.
The devastation was so overwhelming that I began to contemplate taking my own life; just at that very moment I thought of my son, Christian, who was 18 months old at the time, then I thought of my husband and my mom and dad, all my family members began to appear in my head. I thought to myself, if you do this our family will be faced with another tragedy. I cried out to Jesus, in that moment and I told Him how much I needed Him. I let out all my pain and anger. It was going to be hard but for my families sake I needed to make it.
God began to show me a different perspective, God began to show me His unconditional love. He showed me that even when I felt alone I was never alone. He showed me that He understood my pain and He sent help!
After the thought of taking my own life, I sought out counseling and learned what is called the “New Normal”, my journey began at “acceptance” as hard as that word was and still is five and half years later, I had to accept this new reality and process my pain. The grieving process was extremely painful and because it was a painful process there were many times where I wanted to ignore the emotion; I wanted to mask it in order to avoid taking myself to those dark places. However, through this journey is was a necessary step into my new normal. I couldn’t function as I once did and through this process I found hope.
I took life one day at a time and I trusted God.
No Longer Afraid
By the “worlds” standards I shouldn’t be happy; according to the world I should not have made it this far. The world wanted and still wants me to live in the past and to remain there; “stuck.” But God…He has provided me with a peace that surpasses all understanding and I am no longer afraid to be alone because I was never alone in the first place.
The fact that I have lost a child hasn’t changed. There is not one day that goes by where I don’t think about Amyia. But there is peace. I know the day will come when I will see Amyia again and we will live in eternity with our Heavenly Father and the illness that took her life will never plagued her again.
This world will tell you all kinds of lies about grief and loss. But, I am a living witness that you can make it through the grieving process but look at the key word here: “through”. You have to go through it, as scary, uncomfortable and painful as grief is you cannot stay stuck in the storm you have to make your way through it.
I had to surrender my life to God because I couldn’t do it alone, I needed my Father to help guide me and love me in my pain.
The journey was long and there were bumps in the road but soon there came a clearing and that led to me to my New Normal.